{"id":12276,"date":"2025-07-14T01:57:10","date_gmt":"2025-07-13T23:57:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/?p=12276"},"modified":"2025-07-14T13:29:25","modified_gmt":"2025-07-14T11:29:25","slug":"die-krankenhaus-prophezeiung","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/die-krankenhaus-prophezeiung\/","title":{"rendered":"The hospital prophecy"},"content":{"rendered":"Reading time<\/span> 2<\/span> Minutes<\/span><\/span>\n
<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Disclaimer: This text is based on true events and is as satirical as the German healthcare system. But<\/em> No, I'm not in hospital.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Day 1: Welcome<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You arrive, surprise the staff with your presence (\"Oh, you're here today?\") and get your first adventure: finding a bed! The much sought-after anti-decubitus mattress will of course only be ordered once you have been officially admitted. Delivery time: 1-3 working days. Amazon Prime? Not a chance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 2: Diagnosis of device shortage<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Medical history. Unfortunately, all the CO\u2082 measuring devices are currently \"in use\". But there's an ECG appointment - at least that's something. Maybe at least the ECG will be done with an old Gameboy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 3: Capnometry - finally<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tonight is finally the night: capnometry! Finally measuring blood gases again. Why the ophthalmologist needs CO\u2082 values remains a mystery. Maybe because he's also secretly a surgeon and neurologist? MRI appointment? \"I don't know anything about that, you'll have to discuss it with the senior consultant.\" But he's not back until Monday. Until then: cliffhanger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 4: Appointment roulette<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Friday. MRI is now planned - but of course nothing can be done today. Monday is already full, and at the weekend? There are only emergencies. For Tuesday you're on \"right at 8 o'clock\". Spoiler: It won't stay that way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 5 & 6: Weekend - The hospital sleeps<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobody works on Saturday. Not on Sunday either. Maybe there's a secret brunch for carers, but patients aren't invited.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 7: The big wait<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your MRI appointment has been postponed to 12 noon. Enjoy the day! (With hospital food? Have fun. Is that vegan? No? Never mind, it won't fit through the PEG anyway).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 8: The big transport<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

MRI at last! On the way there, the ventilation tube gets stuck on the door frame. After half a minute, someone asks: \"What's that annoying alarm?\" Maybe some device from \"our patient\"? Arrived at the MRI: Appointment postponed to 18:30. At 6 pm: \"Appointment brought forward, we have to leave immediately!\" Efficiency made in Germany.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 9: Diagnosis - the main thing is rare<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Visit at 9.30 a.m. MRI unremarkable. Now you still need an sMRI. This will even be done today, because you'll probably want to go home again at some point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 10: An answer at last<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The sMRI shows nothing earth-shattering. Diagnosis: Bing-Horton syndrome. Not curable, not treatable - but at least it doesn't lead to death, it just makes you wish you were dead during the attacks. Hence the affectionate nickname \"suicide headache\". But don't worry: \"How would you kill yourself, hahaha.\"<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have another appointment with the ophthalmologist in the afternoon. Nobody here still knows about the potassium deficiency you're here for. You discharge yourself - you don't have to sign, how could you? Hahaha<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And in the end, the realisation remains: anyone who is healthy has simply never been in hospital long enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Disclaimer: Dieser Text basiert auf wahren Begebenheiten und ist so satirisch wie das deutsche Gesundheitssystem. Aber nein, ich bin nicht im Krankenhaus. Tag 1: Willkommen Du kommst an, \u00fcberraschst das Personal mit deiner Anwesenheit (\u201eOh, Sie sind heute schon da?\u201c) und bekommst das erste Abenteuer: ein Bett suchen! Die hei\u00df begehrte Antidekubitusmatratze wird nat\u00fcrlich erst bestellt, wenn du offiziell aufgenommen bist. Lieferzeit: 1\u20133 Werktage. Amazon Prime? Fehlanzeige. Tag 2: Diagnose Ger\u00e4teknappheit \u00c4rztliche Anamnese. Leider sind alle CO\u2082-Messger\u00e4te gerade \u201ein Verwendung\u201c. Daf\u00fcr gibt\u2019s einen EKG-Termin \u2013 immerhin etwas. Vielleicht wird ja wenigstens das EKG mit einem alten Gameboy gemacht. Tag 3:…<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":12281,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12276","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pflegedienst","category-posts"],"acf":[],"modified_by":"Ruppelt Patrick","wps_subtitle":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12276","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12276"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12276\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12283,"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12276\/revisions\/12283"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12281"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12276"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12276"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/paddys.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12276"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}